Part of Shidduchim 101 – Part 3
A girl wants to feel taken care of by her future husband. When a boy holds open the door for her, she gets this sensation. Of course, he isn’t really taking care of her yet, but her feelings may mean more to her than reality. When the boy fumbles with the keys, it ruins this sensation, and the effect of holding open the door is lost. However, if he doesn’t open the door, she may think that he doesn’t care about her. Therefore, if you forget to open the door, just say “oh, I forgot to open the door.” This way she understands what you were thinking, and won’t hold it against you.
Many boys would rather skip this whole show. It seems pointless to make believe he is taking care of a girl who is really still a stranger to him. You may want to consider this. The first time, open the door and say “it seems a little bit strange to me, but this is what I was told to do.” Many girls will answer “it’s ok, I’ll do it myself.” If she wants it anyway, well, then do so. However, depending on the girl’s personality and her family’s origin, this may be very important to her. She may be offended that he doesn’t show interest in pampering her. Every boy and every girl are different.
7 Responses
Holding open a door is called “common courtesy.” Where I live (Toronto), it’s common for people going into or out of a subway station to pause as they’re going through the door and hold it open long enough for the person behind to catch up so that they don’t have to open the door. If strangers can do this for each other, a guy doing something similar for a date should be even more basic as etiquette. Haven’t any of you learned simple social manners?
“why are girls on this site?” um–because presumably this site is meant as an actual help with going out with them–not self-decided, self-referential opinions??
Always good to consider–a good number of these strange creatures, whom you are going out with, but seem to wish no input from, do not need chivalry or pampering (sic!), but rather a guy who considers his date his equal and engages with her respectfully.
no girl feels pampered when the guy holds the door open. it’s just awkward and a tznius issue.
I think it is just to show you can be a gentleman. So if you say “I was told to do this” you lose the whole point. As far as tznius is concerned, you don’t need to stand there and watch her get into the car, just open the door and start heading to the drivers seat. She can close the door herself.
“speaking as one who’s had the door held open….” what are girls doing on this site?? and why is such a comment let through??
That’s completely wrong. Speaking as one who’s had the door held open and not, it is a little thing that, in my experience, will immediately bring you up a notch in the girl’s eyes. Even though she is 10000% capable of opening her own door, its a very clear unspoken message that you are a mentsch who will treat her with respect. This is a real ‘guy vs girl mentality’ situation, because its really about the emotions (which is really the girl’s domain), not about the actual act of holding open a door. Most girls, even if they downplay it out of embarrassment and fear of being seen as vulnerable, will feel valued, appreciated, respected, and taken care of, and will definitely hold you in higher esteem. Why risk offending a girl, who is deep down hoping you’ll do the gentlemanly thing, just because you think its silly?
but which girl actually wants it?
it’s just demeaning and awkward. yes, girls want to be pampered and taken care of. yes, they want a husband whos a gentleman, but they don’t want you to open the door for them. instead, ask them what they like and mention the different reasons you think you can fill those desires- obviously not in the same context.